EMINEM: Dumb Blonde
by EminimE and Godforsaken
Summary: This is not a d/h romance, even tho Draco and Hermione are in it, because Draco's not Draco anymore! He's somone else...the title should make it obvious. If you like Draco or Eminem, please don't be offended by the title, it's just that his book is called
1. Da Phone Call

/N: A velly hyper fic where Draco grows up to be--You'll find out!!! But the title makes it obvious! Everybody, please join POIS (the Protection Of Iceburg Society), invented by Rose(the other one). Okies? If you want to sign up, and make the world better for icebergkind, then contact us through review! Hah! So now you have to review this fic, or else we'll sic Eminem's microphone on you!!! MWAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

E M I N 3 M-- DUMB BLOND

by Godforsaken and EminimE

(Hermione walks into the room and sits in a chair. The phone rings, Hermione answers it)

Hermione:*into the phone* Hello?

(A wacky messed-up voice comes from the other end of the line)

Voice1: *loudly with a capital L* You've just won a trip to the Moon! Just joking! You've actually won a fourth-class ticket to the maiden voyage of the Titanic! Not really! *dons serious voice* You've won a million dollars I mean two tickets to an Eminem concert at Madison Cube I mean Square Garden! You're Corinne Granger, ain'tcha?

Hermione: ... -_-

Voice2: Um, Elvis, I think you've got the wrong person... I don't hear anyone screaming with joy or flinging themselves offa de Empire State Building on the other end.

Elvis: Dude, like then that Corinne fruit musta given me da wrong numba!

Hermione: *interrupts, kinda PO* DON'T CALL MY SISTER A FRUIT!!! I'm just Corinne's sister, and if ya wanna talk to her then you'd better ask before I friggin' hang up on ya!

Elvis: *Dons baby voice* Um, Corinne's sister? Can Corinne come to da phone?

Hermione: Okies. *yells upstairs* CORINNE YOU JUST WON TICKETS TO AN EMINEM CONCERT AND THE Z-100 DUDES WANNA TALK TO YOU!!!!!!!!!!

(There is a scream of delight from upstairs, followed by the whooshing noise of someone jumping over the railing instead of going down the stairs, followed by a splat. Corinne, looking a bit dazed, comes in from the next room and grabs the phone.)

Corinne: 'Lo?

Voice2: Hi! You've won 2 tickets to the upcoming Eminem concert "Angry Blond" at Madison Square Garden to celebrate his book "Eminem--Angry Blond." 

Corinne: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! Like, ohmuhgawd!!!!!! I better fling myself offa da Empire State Building in... like, joy!!!

(Runs out, flings self offa da Empire State Building in... like, joy!!!, then comes back in)

Corinne: *back on phone* When should I be there?

Elvis: Tonight! Can you bring your sister? She sounds like a sexy b--I mean, you need adult supervision!!!

Hermione: *offended* *whacks phone*

Corinne: *Shouts inta failing phone line* OKAY, I'LL BE THERE!!!

Hermione: Now I have to go to a STUPID BLEEP concert, and I HATE Eminem, *under her breath* he reminds me of Draco, only worse *normal voice* and I have to accompany you, and I don't know what to wear!

Corinne: Herm, you work in a Hot Topic. You can find something to wear.

Hermione: Not for long; I'm starting my job at Betsey Johnson next week. But I could wear my snakeskin fetish-heeled combat boots with the twelve buckles, and my fishnet shirt underneath...which tee...my ANTICROMBIE tee, that would work, and...*lists a bunch of stuff she is gonna wear*

Corinne: Wow, now that you have it all worked out, could I borrow your 6-inch glitter wedge platform boots, and the spiked bracelet you bought last week, and that made-in-the-80's tee... *lists a bunch of stuff she wants to borrow for the concert to supplement her own wardrobe*

Hermione: Okay, provided I can borrow your black eyeshadow and the blue hair streaks, 'cuz I mean you have green, blue, red, and purple hair streaks, and I don't have any, and perhaps I could borrow that red glitter armband...*etc etc etc*

(3 Hours Later...)

Both: Okies, let's go get dressed! *run off*

(4 Hours After That)

(Hermione is wearing a black fishnet shirt with a short-sleeved black tee labeled "ANTICROMBIE", a black pleather skirt, the boots she was talking about, a red glitter armband, blue streaks in her hair, and a bunch of other junk we don't feel like mentioning. )

A/N: EminimE *whacks Godforsaken over da head wid un iceyburg for taking up the entire computer's memory bank with Hermione's wardrobe. POIS (Protection of Iceberg Society) takes her away and puts her in da zoo, and replaces da iceberg to it's rightful home (da top of a gasoline factory)*

(Corinne is wearing a black t-shirt that reads MADE IN THE 80'S in silver, over a green snakeskin half-sleeve shirt, over a long-sleeved red and blue shirt. She is also wearing a red leopard skin miniskirt over a pair of really baggy jeans. She is also wearing pink snakeskin fetish heels, and a bunch of other stuff, but we don't feel like mentioning what else she's wearing as it isn't important at all) (Unless of course you're a freaky boy who takes interest in everything girls are wearing, that is)

(Both girls are at the front door, explaining to Mom and The Old Fart (their dad) that the Z100 people are counting on them [especially Hermione] and they can't let the famous radio dudes down.)

The Old Fart: Fine, okay, you can go!!! Stop turning me into Hitler in your stupid little rap-obsessed minds!!!

Hermione: I actually hate Eminem and I hate rap, but I have to go anyway.

Mom: *gives Hermione a strange look* You should really change those clothes, young lady. I mean, guys will start hitting on you.

Hermione: *whiney* But I like my clothes!

Mom: Shut up. I'm gonna take away your allowance!

Hermione: *sarcastic* Really, I'm really going to miss a Sickle a week when I get ten bucks an hour working at a Hot Topic.

Mom: ?

Corinne: ?

The Old Fart: ?

Hermione: Sorry, wrong money system.

Mom, Corinne, The Old Fart: -_-

Hermione: Come on Corinne let's go luv ya Mom and Old Fart we'll be home before 2 in da morning ta ta. *grabs Corinne's arm and rushes out da door*

The Old Fart: Why do they always call me the old fart?

Mom: 'Cuz it's your nickname.

The Old Fart: Oh. Duh. Well everyone knows that my real name is...um...what's my name again, dear?

Mom: It's *car passes by really noisily*, dear.

The Old Fart: What? 

Mom: I SAID, you're name's *building next door explodes wit a big BOOM dat smells of chicken pie*, honey.

The Old Fart: *utterly clueless* Oh, yeah, that's right...I'm The Real Slim Shady.

Mom: *rolls eyes*

A/N: okies....we have more coming up.....we know it doesn't have much to do wit anything yet, but dat will change....we just hafta keep writin'......now REVIEW


	2. Going to Da Concert

A/N: we is continuing it now...hope u likes it!!!

(Later, as in two hours later, Hermione and Corinne arrive at Madison Cube I mean Square Garden.) (Elvis, and the other dude [he was Voice2] meet them at the entrence with their tickets.)

Elvis: *looks Hermione over* Nice Shirt.

Hermione: BEEP BEEP BEEP.

Elvis: You're an alarm clock!

Corinne: Hi!!!! I'm Corinne, and this is Hermione...

Elvis: Hi Corinne, I'm Elvis. And this is Voice2.

Voice2: Hi! I'm Voice2! I'm a little dull 'cuz I was snorting snow!

Elvis: He's a little dull anywhee.

Voice2: Tien!! C'est une petite crappo!!! *runs over to lick the little frog*

Little Frog: *bites him*

Voice2: Owch! Tu est un femelle!

Corinne: Wuzzat mean?

Hermione: Ya don't wanna know, kid.

Elvis: It means 'BI--'*slap* *cries* Mummeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Hermione: *smiles* I feel special today.

Corinne: *grrrrr* *pulls everybody inside to their seats*

(Hermione and Elvis are sitting next to each other, but as they are actually standing because there are no seats, she moves to the other side of Corinne.)

(concert begins)

(soon it becomes to crowded for Elvis to move back next to Hermione) (Needless to say, Hermione is happy 'cuz she thinks Elvis is a perverted dork.) 

(about halfway through the Eminem concert, Eminem pulls out his magic 8-ball that turns into a meatball when it's happy.)

Eminem: So, do tu think that je should invite un audience member up onto la stage? *shakes 8-ball* *reads aloud* That is certain, you idiot. *looks at 8-ball* Okies. *8-ball turns into a meatball* *Eminem yells to his guards* YO!!! CHUCK SOMEBODY UP SUR LA STAGE, OR JE WILL SIC LE HAPPY MEATBALL ON YA!!!

Guard: *Chucks someone up on stage. The someone gets up, and brushes herself off.*

Eminem: Hermione?

Hermione, who was the person chucked up on da stage: How do you know my name? I happen to hate you.

Corinne's voice (from down in the audience): SHUT THE BEEP UP!!!

Eminem: *frownz* You don't remember moi?

Hermione: I know you're Eminem and you're a freak.

Eminem: *frownz harder* Tu _are_ Hermione Granger, right?

Hermione Granger: Right. So?

Eminem: *grabs her shoulders and shakes her back and forth* AND TU DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE TON OWN ARCHENEMY???!!! 

Hermione: *realizes who it is* DRACO!!!

Eminem: DUH!!!

Both: *hugz*

Both: *slapz*

Both: *kiss*

Both: *gagz* 

Both: Sorry.

Both: @_@

Both: Why do you always do that???

Both: Stop copying me!

Both: *thinks a minute* I'm an idiot.

Both: You're an idiot.

(crowd throws cheese at Hermione for insulting Eminem who is actually Draco.)

Hermione: So, how did you become Eminem? Eminem is Marshall Mathers, and you're not Marshall Mathers.

Eminem who is actually Draco: *smiles sweetly, which looks extremely odd on Eminem* Can je voit tu backstage after le concert? *hands her a backstage @$$, I mean p@$$* And une for ta sister. *hands her another backstage p@$$*

Hermione: Cool! Thanks Draco!

Eminem/Draco: JE SUIS NOT DRACO ANYMORE!!! SHUDDUP!!!

Hermione: Okay. *jumps down into the audience and hands Corinne her backstage p@$$*

Corinne: Coolness! *singysongy* I'm gonna meet Emine-em! I'm gonna meet Emine-em!

Elvis: Don't I get one?

Hermione: Of course not, you idiot!

Elvis: *sulks*

Hermione: =) Elvis Duran and the Z-morning poo.

Elvis: *sulks*

(The concert resumes, with Eminem talking in a wierd mix of English and French which is kinda annoyteringz to listen to after a while)

A/N: that is all we has writed now...we will continue it is u likes it, so review!


	3. Afta Da Concert

A/

A/N: okayz........we hope u lyked our storee.......and we hope u like cheese......please review!!!!!!!!!! thanx

CHAPTA THREE OF EMINEM: DUMB BLOND

*afta de concert*

Corinne: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir, voulez-vous couch--*getz slapped by Hermione who is royally pissed off at having to stay at this freakin' rap concert for one more second*

Elvis: ok, I will, except isn't that the wrong song? Isn't this an Eminem concert? 

Hermione: *fumes* get your freaking perverted hands off my sister!!

Elvis: I didn't do anything! yet. 

Cubby: *clueless* G-Get UR Freak On, g-get UR freak on, g-get ur freak on, g-get ur freak on, getcha getcha getcha getcha get ur freak on!!!!

Hermione: *slaps Cubby* STOP SINGING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cubby: I'm not singing. I'm rapping!

Hermione: I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!!

(they reach the security guard)

Hermione: I was supposed to meet Eminem backstage after the concert.

Security guard: Like, I know, like do you think I'm like stupid?

Corinne: Your talking like a valley girl!!!

Security Guard: Like, I'm not a like girl!!!!!

Everyone: Uhokay. 

D/E's voice: WHERE THE F***ING F*** IS HERMIONE?!?!?!?!?!?!

Security guard: Like, dude, like come in Hermione!!!

Hermione: *thinks* ~loser~

Corinne: gitchi gitchi ya ya, mocha choco—sorry. 

(Hermione glares at her)

(in D/E'sbackstage area)

(Um Actually his lounge-thingy-whatever that he gets kuz he's speeeeeeeeeeeecial)

Hermione: So why did you want to speak to me?

D/E: Because I love you. 

Hermione: WHAT?!?!?!?!

D/E: You are _so_ freaking gullible!!!!

Hermione: You aren't funnee. 

D/E: *to the authors* stop calling me D/E!!!! Call me Draco or Eminem or Marshall or something!!!!

Authors: *grin eeeeeeevilly* okay. 

Draco or Eminem or Marshall or something!!!!: So anyway, Hermione, I wanted to talk to you because I thought it was weird how you ended up coming to one of my concerts, and dressed likelike one of those freaky people that works in a Hot Topic. 

Hermione: I DO work in a Hot Topic!!! *hits him with pocketbook* And my sister won tickets to the stupid concert. I didn't want to come.How did you become Eminem, anyway???

Draco or Eminem or Marshall or something!!!!: I got pissed at this little kid called Marshall kuz he looked too much like me, so I killed him *all gasp* and people mistook me for him, so I decided to fulfill the dumb little kid's dream and become a freakin' dirty-mouthed gangsta rapper, and I figured people would lissen to me if I was a celebrity so I could spread all my $#I++y opinions around and twist the minds of little kids around too!!!!

Hermione: Uhwonderful. 

Corinne: kewl!!!! *everyone stares at her*

Draco or Eminem or Marshall or something!!!!: Thank you. For once. 

Hermione: *lets out a stream of curse words that rival D/E/M/s's abilities*

Draco or Eminem or Marshall or something!!!!: Hey!! You're not allowed to swear more than me!!!!!!

Hermione: *disses Britney and Christina and BSB and *NSYNC* 

Draco or Eminem or Marshall or something!!!!: HEY!!!!!! U can't do that either!!!!! Itz my trademark!!!!!

Hermione: I thought your trademark was being a dumbass.

Draco or Eminem or Marshall or something!!!: You still can't insult more than meeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Hermione: Let's see about that!

Corinne, Elvis, Cubby, Security Guard, Girl That Sings Dido's Part in : FIGHTFIGHTFIGHTIFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hermione & Draco or Eminem or Marshall or something!!!!: grrrrrrrr

Hermione: let's have an insult duel and I can prove that you aren't the most dirty-mouthed banana in the whole {edited} world!!!!!!!!

Draco or Eminem or Marshall or something!!!!: Okay! And I'll kick your ass!

Hermione: You can try.

(A person sets up a thing that looks like a boxing ring, and marilyn manson's Fight Song comes blaring through the speakers from every corner of the metallic pink ring) 

(Hermione and Draco enter the rign and glare at each other)

A Dude: Begin!!!!

A/N: DUNDUNDUNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!! review and then please go see Moulin Rouge!!! it'z kewl!!!! thanx....don't expect eh next chapter to be up for at least four weeks kuz 1 of us is going away. thanx!!!!!


	4. Afta Da Concert

A/

A/N: okayz........we hope u lyked our storee.......and we hope u like cheese......please review!!!!!!!!!! thanx

CHAPTA THREE OF EMINEM: DUMB BLOND

*afta de concert*

Corinne: Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir, voulez-vous couch--*getz slapped by Hermione who is royally pissed off at having to stay at this freakin' rap concert for one more second*

Elvis: ok, I will, except isn't that the wrong song? Isn't this an Eminem concert? 

Hermione: *fumes* get your freaking perverted hands off my sister!!

Elvis: I didn't do anything! yet. 

Cubby: *clueless* G-Get UR Freak On, g-get UR freak on, g-get ur freak on, g-get ur freak on, getcha getcha getcha getcha get ur freak on!!!!

Hermione: *slaps Cubby* STOP SINGING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cubby: I'm not singing. I'm rapping!

Hermione: I DON'T CARE!!!!!!!!!

(they reach the security guard)

Hermione: I was supposed to meet Eminem backstage after the concert.

Security guard: Like, I know, like do you think I'm like stupid?

Corinne: Your talking like a valley girl!!!

Security Guard: Like, I'm not a like girl!!!!!

Everyone: Uhokay. 

D/E's voice: WHERE THE F***ING F*** IS HERMIONE?!?!?!?!?!?!

Security guard: Like, dude, like come in Hermione!!!

Hermione: *thinks* ~loser~

Corinne: gitchi gitchi ya ya, mocha choco—sorry. 

(Hermione glares at her)

(in D/E'sbackstage area)

(Um Actually his lounge-thingy-whatever that he gets kuz he's speeeeeeeeeeeecial)

Hermione: So why did you want to speak to me?

D/E: Because I love you. 

Hermione: WHAT?!?!?!?!

D/E: You are _so_ freaking gullible!!!!

Hermione: You aren't funnee. 

D/E: *to the authors* stop calling me D/E!!!! Call me Draco or Eminem or Marshall or something!!!!

Authors: *grin eeeeeeevilly* okay. 

Draco or Eminem or Marshall or something!!!!: So anyway, Hermione, I wanted to talk to you because I thought it was weird how you ended up coming to one of my concerts, and dressed likelike one of those freaky people that works in a Hot Topic. 

Hermione: I DO work in a Hot Topic!!! *hits him with pocketbook* And my sister won tickets to the stupid concert. I didn't want to come.How did you become Eminem, anyway???

Draco or Eminem or Marshall or something!!!!: I got pissed at this little kid called Marshall kuz he looked too much like me, so I killed him *all gasp* and people mistook me for him, so I decided to fulfill the dumb little kid's dream and become a freakin' dirty-mouthed gangsta rapper, and I figured people would lissen to me if I was a celebrity so I could spread all my $#I++y opinions around and twist the minds of little kids around too!!!!

Hermione: Uhwonderful. 

Corinne: kewl!!!! *everyone stares at her*

Draco or Eminem or Marshall or something!!!!: Thank you. For once. 

Hermione: *lets out a stream of curse words that rival D/E/M/s's abilities*

Draco or Eminem or Marshall or something!!!!: Hey!! You're not allowed to swear more than me!!!!!!

Hermione: *disses Britney and Christina and BSB and *NSYNC* 

Draco or Eminem or Marshall or something!!!!: HEY!!!!!! U can't do that either!!!!! Itz my trademark!!!!!

Hermione: I thought your trademark was being a dumbass.

Draco or Eminem or Marshall or something!!!: You still can't insult more than meeeeeeeeeeee!!!

Hermione: Let's see about that!

Corinne, Elvis, Cubby, Security Guard, Girl That Sings Dido's Part in : FIGHTFIGHTFIGHTIFIGHTFIGHTFIGHTFIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hermione & Draco or Eminem or Marshall or something!!!!: grrrrrrrr

Hermione: let's have an insult duel and I can prove that you aren't the most dirty-mouthed banana in the whole {edited} world!!!!!!!!

Draco or Eminem or Marshall or something!!!!: Okay! And I'll kick your ass!

Hermione: You can try.

(A person sets up a thing that looks like a boxing ring, and marilyn manson's Fight Song comes blaring through the speakers from every corner of the metallic pink ring) 

(Hermione and Draco enter the rign and glare at each other)

A Dude: Begin!!!!

A/N: DUNDUNDUNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!! review and then please go see Moulin Rouge!!! it'z kewl!!!! thanx....don't expect eh next chapter to be up for at least four weeks kuz 1 of us is going away. thanx!!!!!


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